Think of aggression at work and we picture someone shouting and throwing his or her weight around. This is an example of overt aggression: we can see it, hear it and feel it! But just as common is Concealed Aggression (also called Passive Aggressive behaviour) and it’s as manipulative, controlling and damaging to relationships as overt aggression. Here we look at both types of aggression and ways to handle these behaviours constructively.
Every time we communicate we make a choice, usually an unconscious choice, about our behaviour. We choose to be:
Aggressive – get our needs met – at the expense of others
Passive – meet others needs – at the expense of our own
Assertive – meet others needs and also meet our own needs
In the short term aggression gets results; aggressive people make things happen. In the longer term people avoid aggressive colleagues, they keep their ideas to themselves, disengage and look for other jobs.
Let’s look at Concealed Aggression first. When a person slumps down in their chair, makes little eye contact, smiles sarcastically to themselves, rolls their eyes, tutts under their breath, drums their fingers on the table, sighs, shakes their head, uses sarcasm, or is cynical about something this is often concealed aggression. It’s a way of gaining attention and wielding power and is a widely used behaviour in meetings. It can be difficult to tackle this type of aggression because when you ask “what’s wrong” the likely response is “nothing.” By using these behaviours the person is showing their disapproval, disengagement or using their power subversively. Their behaviour can seriously undermine or sidetrack meetings and relationships, especially if the behaviour is allowed to continue.
The best way to tackle Concealed Aggression is to bring it out into the open or to “say what you see” as Roy Walker used to say on “Catchphrase”. In other words to say to the offender “I get the feeling you don’t agree because you’re tutting” or “I get the sense that you’re unhappy with what I’ve said, because you rolled your eyes.” Then add “What do you think?” or “What’s your opinion”. By highlighting the negative behaviour and then asking an open question, you are forcing the person to respond and this will usually prompt them to sit up straight. It’s much harder to use concealed aggression when you are sitting up straight! A word of warning, you should always use tentative phrases such as “I get the feeling that” or “I am sensing that”, rather than a definitive “you clearly disagree” because you are more likely to get an overtly aggressive reaction if you confront the person directly. By being tentative you give them the opportunity to respond constructively and to rectify the situation. When they reply you can identify and deal with their concerns. You are now on a more level playing field.
So what about overt aggression? Your can respond:
- Aggressively – typically resulting in an escalation of aggression on both sides
- Passively – where the other person gets increasingly incensed by your low energy and inability to tackle the issue
- Assertively – the assertive response will enable you to keep control of your emotions and let the other person see that you are actively looking to resolve the issue.
When dealing with aggression, think about your body language. The body and mind influence each other so if you’re body is doing the right thing it’s easier to stay assertive. If the other person is standing then stand yourself, and if they are sitting then sit down. You need to ensure that the interaction is on equal terms and that the other person doesn’t feel advantaged or disadvantaged by how you stand or sit. If you are standing ensure that your feet are hip width apart, not too close together or you will feel vulnerable and defensive, and not too far apart or you may move into aggression. Make sure you have good eye contact but not so much that you stare and become confrontational.
When people are overtly aggressive there are two important things to remember:
- the feelings of the person – that something has upset them
- the facts of the issue – people want to be heard and understood
You need to address both the feelings and facts if you want to deal effectively with aggression. It may be that you can’t resolve whatever the issue is, but if the person feels that they have been heard and understood you are more likely to get a positive outcome. By acknowledging the emotion “how frustrating for you”, “that must have been annoying”, “I can see how upset you are” you are acknowledging that this is how the person feels. You aren’t agreeing with them you are just acknowledging that the issue has affected them. This helps to calm them down. When the feelings have been acknowledged you can move on to the facts. Deal with the facts and ignore the feelings and the person will take longer to calm down.
When dealing with the facts of the issue, ask lots of open questions to ensure that you really understand. It’s tempting to ask closed questions and then jump in with your response, which typically is a defensive one! Interrupt, and the aggressive person feels unheard and ignored. So make sure that the person has the opportunity to state their case and that you listen to what they say. When you have ascertained the facts summarise back to them so that they know you have really heard and understood their points. Then you can put things over from your side. You might start off by saying “from my understanding” or “how I see it.”
Some final words: Never put yourself in a position that is physically dangerous. Make sure that your school has a policy that stipulates how and when to escalate issues. And lastly, tTake time out to relax if you’ve had a day filled with aggression – dealing with aggressive people can be exhausting, especially when it’s your colleagues!
Typical behavioural traits
| ASSERTIVE | PASSIVE | CONCEALED AGGRESSION | AGGRESSIVE |
| Being pro-active Actively listening Encouraging and questioning | Shying away from conflict Giving in or changing without valid reason Not asking questions | Being insincere Not responsible “More than my job’s worth” | Being negative Not listening Asking closed questions |
| Utilising logic Being fair Taking responsibility | Giving in or changing before there is a need to Not taking ownership or responsibility | Blaming others Being cynical Being discourteous | Ignoring others views, needs and opinions Following own agenda |
| Being confident Being courteous | Putting yourself down | Wanting to get rid of problems | Wanting to dominate others |
| Keeping firmly in mind objective of communication, which includes the objectives of the business | Not reaching satisfactory solutions for the business, artists or others in general | ‘Just a job’ | Not concerned with developing long term relationships |
Recognising different styles
| ASSERTIVE | PASSIVE | CONCEALED AGGRESSION | AGGRESSIVE | |
| VERBAL | Clear, concise, constructive ‘I recommend…., ‘How does that sound to you?’ | Qualifies, apologies ‘I’m sorry’, I’ll try and sort it out.’ ‘Can you call back later?’ | Sarcasm ‘Have you tried reading your contract?’ ‘That’s typical of that team.’ Tutting | Blames, accuses ‘Our policy is..’ ‘Don’t argue with me’ |
| NON-VERBAL | Good eye contact, Steady voice, calm | Averted gaze, soft tone | Raised eyes Finger tapping | Stares, loud voice |
| STYLE | Dialogue | Silence | Sarcasm, cynicism | Monologue |
| BELIEFS | Mutual involvement | Flight | Fight/Flight | Fight |
| APPROACH | WIN / WIN | LOSE/WIN | LOSE/LOSE | WIN /LOSE |
